I want my Saturdays back.

Remember when we were but knee high to grasshoppers and old was like twenty? Yeah, I know, it's a bit blurry to me too, but think really hard and somewhere in that mess of gray matter you will pull out a memory. No, not the one of your parents having sex or what you did to the neighbor's cat. (By the way, you can throw out that 'Lost Kitten' sign that appeared on the telephone pole / public mailbox out front. It's incriminating.) I'm talking about those wholesome memories of a simpler time. A time when Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles ruled the world and Saturday morning cartoons were appointment television, even though you had to get up at 7 in the morning to watch them.

Jinkies, to be back in the good 'ol days.

Little did we, or our parents for that matter, know the sinister consequences of these cartoons. But they were all so sweet: Scooby-Doo, Looney Toons. How can Fat Albert be a bad influence?

Simple; Fat Albert wasn't a bad influence, and society has paid a high price for his innocence ever since.

Thanks to this lovable character born of the devil, Bill Cosby, western society has only gained speed in its decline. How is this, you ask. How can something so good and right and pure in it's intent be so evil? Well, it lied to us first and foremost. It made an entire generation believe that, no matter the problem, there is always a, however arbitrary, 'right' and 'wrong' way to resolve said problem. But wait, it gets better. If you choose the arbitrary 'right' way to solve the problem everybody will come out of the situation a winner!

Sorry Al, no such luck.

This world is remarkably evil, relentlessly heinous, just plain sick and twisted. 'Fair' is not in the world's dictionary. This lie marked the basis for one of the most destructive parenting principles this side of child abuse: The 'Juice Box and Ice Cream' principle.

This principle is demonstrated most prominently in Jr. League Sports. Consisting of children four and five years old Jr. League events are a sight to see. With starry-eyed wonderment these little brats swarm to and from whatever round inflatable object happens to be placed on the grass around them. The rules don't matter, and neither does the score. What really matters is that the little guys give it their all. What they don't tell you is that they push you so hard only because then you will sleep away the afternoon and mommy and daddy can play postman and milk maid. Beside that, they all get to have a juice box and an ice cream sandwich as a reward afterward, because they tried so hard.

Are we trying to mold our children into losers?

How many bosses will take, "But I tried really, really hard," as an excuse and still choose to reward you with your position at Corporation Incorporated? Yeah, that's right, none. Let's face it folks, this world is built upon resuslts. Only winners climb their way to the top, and they usually leave a trail of broken dreams and co-workers in their wake.(Insert shareholders aswell if you are thinking Enron right now.) If parents weren't so hell bent on training their kids to believe the world is a great place we wouldn't have anywhere near the number of suicides we post annually.

That's a pretty bold statement, how do I intend to back that up?

I read somewhere that the vast majority of those whom have jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to commit suicide have come to the same realization about two-thirds of the way down. Nearly all of the jumpers have concluded that no problem in their life was so big that they could not set it right somehow. Except of course that they had just jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge in an attempt to commit suicide. Most of them reported that they had jumped because, "Life had not treated them fairly," to vastly oversimplify and paraphrase.

What the hell did they think was going to happen?

As a society we are pounding the Juice Box and Ice Cream principle into the heads of our children far too vigorously. We take it to such an extreme that some individuals can not accept that in the 'real world' effort is very rarely rewarded without results to back it up. In Jr. League Soccer if you get routed 17 - 0 you still get a snack at the end of the day, just like the winners. In the corporate world if you do not perform you do not work, and therefore can not provide for yourself. Enter depression and a MapQuest search for the nearest suspension bridge.

Anyway, to bring this ramble to a close. If you want your child to succeed, don't lead them to believe that the world is fair and just. Introduce your kids to the the evils of the world. Tell them that Bill Cosby is full of shit, and that nothing is black and white. Right and wrong do not exist, rather they are ideals long since eclipsed by an ever-darkening grayscale of morality. Don't preach about that eutopian promised land of Juice and Cream, rather practice the winner takes all mentality. Your future world leader will thank you for it.